take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
