home. puking in laundry basket.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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