im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
