After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
