Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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