Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
