I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think I just shit out all my problems.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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