Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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