What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
