Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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