i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You took a bar mat shot.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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