By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
