The maid of honor just puked.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
