well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
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Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
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My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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