Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
