Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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