I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
