My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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