Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
