doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
