you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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