You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
