dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
