Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
