i'm lost and i look like a hooker
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize