I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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