im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
foreskin is a definite game changer
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
