please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
