Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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