I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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