i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
