I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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