dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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