Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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