you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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