As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
