Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
