well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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