Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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