How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
