I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
