Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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