tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
