I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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