you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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