My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
