peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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