Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
