So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
