Soap is not a condiment
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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