we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
