his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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