I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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